About rejection…
This week I’ve received three rejections for two different pieces of writing. Two for the novel and one for a short story. When I saw each email arrive with the subject line: Re: Submission… I went through the following emotions:
Excitement. Oh, I got a reply! A human has read my work and responded. How lovely!
Fear. Don’t open it. I don’t want to know. I’d rather hang around in this eternal limbo because it feels safer.
Curiosity. No! Be fearless. This is part of a process. Only one way to find out.
* Holds breath and clicks on email. *
Despair. Oh b*llocks it’s a no… Deep breath.
Hope. Ok, this email is actually very positive with a lot of praise.
Despair again. But it’s still a no. What am I doing wrong! When will it be me?
Acceptance(ish) I’m going to reply politely because we’re all humans here.
Overwhelm or acceptance. Time to look at my cat for a while. Or eat chocolate. Or go for a walk. Or email my writing buddy. Possibly all of the above.
I’m human. I care about my writing. I’d like it to be out in the world. I can see the silver lining of some really fantastic praise that was included in those emails, but I’m also willing to feel the disappointment.
Rejection is part of the creative process. So, what now?
This is the question I’ve been sitting with all afternoon. It can be very tempting (and sometimes in the pro-positive culture we live in we’re rushed into this by others) to try to only focus on the bright side.
Chalk it up to experience. Move on.
But I’ve learnt that acceptance can’t be rushed if you want it to be real. Feelings need to be acknowledged - not stewed on - but allowed their moment to tell you what they came to communicate.
Acknowledging how you really feel can be a helpful way to find out where that message is coming from - is it external pressure saying you should be at a certain point in your life or work? Is it the internal critic, the fear monster, or a lack of self belief?
When I found myself in this position, I decided to apply my own coaching techniques - clarifying questions as journal prompts to help me get to the nub of it. Here are my thought starters:
What am I being rejected from and by whom? Where does this sit in the grand scale of this process?
How do I feel about the rejection and what is this telling me?
What am I unwilling to feel and what does this tell me?
What learning (if any) is there that feels true for me?
What options are open to me?
What support (if any) do I need or want?
How does this experience sit in my wider writing and publication journey?
What wins can I celebrate or use as evidence to show myself this is part of a process and not the end result?
What is one small step I can take to help myself feel good today?
After writing on these prompts I felt better. The fears and doubts got expressed. They had their moment on stage then moved on. I found myself able to recognise that it was the mainstream definition of success that was speaking to me, not my own. That, and a sometimes overwhelming feeling that because of my background I don’t belong in the publishing world.
Then I focused on the praise I’d received and the specifics of it (I keep every bit of positive feedback collated in a word doc so I can open it when I feel doubtful). I also asked for help from my writing buddy and received some great advice on collating the common themes in rejections by return.
Reminding myself that I’d just been commissioned to write a short story helped me celebrate my own work. Then I took the small step of going for a walk and letting it all just settle.
Rejection means your work is out there. It means you’re writing and taking chances. Getting that far is something to celebrate.
Successes are down to someone’s subjective opinion as are rejections. It’s your relationship with the process that really counts.
My own version of success is creating a life where I write every day and I’m present and curious in that process. A life where I’m connected to a fantastic community of writers and my creative work is making it’s way into the world.
Do you need some help defining your idea of creative success and making it happen? Or perhaps your struggling with rejection? I get it. I see you. Get in touch and start a conversation that can get you out of stuck.